When I was cleaning my folder today, I found this note I made from "SHOW and TELL". I copied down the "Prayer of Confession". This piece of writing is really touching me. I wrote a note about this on my facebook. But still I want to retype this again in this blog and share my feelings about it.
PRAYER OF CONFESSION
Lord God, giver of life and source of beauty.
We know that you have assured us to ask for what we need.
Forgive us for all the times we thought we could solve our own problems.
We know that you have told us it is better to give than to recieve.
Forgive us when we have been slow and reluctant givers.
We know that you have told us not let our hearts be troubled.
Forgive the many times we have been consumed by worry and anxiety.
We know that you have said that if we love you, we will obey you.
Forgive our lukewarm love and our easy-going disobedience.
In your mercy, hear our prayer.
Forgive what we have been. Help us change what we are, and direct what we shall be. so that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways, to the glory of your holy name.
To be honest, I really don't know how to describe the feeling about this.
I am kind of person that always worried about things. Tommorow always has uncertainties to me. Even though I am always a positive person, every once a while, I would feel very depressed for no reason. At that time, I would sit down and spend hours to think about what's wrong with me. It is a periodical thing, even there is nothing important happened, I still tried very hard to find a reason to know why. If I really can't find the answer, I went to sleep. Usually, when I woke up, no matter how big the problem was, it was solved automatically, and I became the happy me again. But the moment, when I was in a depression, to be honest, it wa really really annoyed, I felt I was useless, wasting time. I felt unsecure. I wanted to cheer myself up and did everthing I should do. However, in fact, I didn't know where to start. I even doubt about the existence of God when I was in the depression. I thought things very rationally but too rationally, I draged my thought into a dead corner, I walked around the corner again and again, tryied to find a way out. To be honest, right now, when I am writing this journal, I am confused. I am depressed. I didn't want to write any journal or any books (maybe I'll write a journal later), I just want to talk, maybe, or write down my thought with paying no attention about the grammar. (Please, professor, could not grade this journal based on my English grammer, I just want to write now.)I even feels like that I am wasting my time to write this journal, since, I may not get any grade from this. But, please, forgive me professors, I want to write and just tell what I am thinking right now. I feels like I am a little bit crazy, but I know that after I finish this journal, I'll calm down again and back to normal me.
Ok, I am a liitle bit worried about my studys, my relationships, my families and friendships. It is sort of mixed up. I am a little bit overwhelmed now. I know that later, or let's say, tommorrow, I'll be happy agian, but now, I am worried, I had such a busy schdule this week, I have to review the exam, I have a group project, I have my integration paper to finish, I have to plan out the ISAC winnter retreat, I have to work, and I really want to hang out with my boyfriend and talk with my friends too. Plus, the Chinese New Year is comming, I'll cook Chinese food with my friends on Saturday and watch the traditional Chinese New Year TV show on Sunday. Or, maybe, probably, I am stressed out now. A lot of things just overlapped on my schedule.
When I was with my boyfriend, I felt that life is perfect; when I was with friends, I felt like I was so lucky to get so many good friends; when I was at class, I feel like that I am so energetic to discuss the topic. When I was at work, I just smiled to everyone, and expected them to smild back. Basically, every single moment in my life is considered of happiness. I am maybe that kind of person who can not be alone. I mean, sometimes, I really enjoy to just stay in the room and admire the sunshine peaked through the window. I listened to the music and looked over Facebook. Or, my favourite, cleaning up my room. But I can't stay by myself that much long. Sometimes, I doubt if I had ADD. I felt more secure to be around people. Maybe, my high school experience in the states made my present characteristics. When I was in high school, people simply ignored me. I like to be within a community, so that I won't feels like that I am living all by myself.
Well, anyway, I remembered today, when we talked about that Devil can get us through money, adultery and depression. I just told myself that if Devil can't get me from money and adultery, he must can't and should not get me from depression. Plus, I should not worry, "if God is for us, who can against us? (Romans 8:31) ". "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
Sometimes, I just like to look through the Bible verses and think them, they inspired me a lot. Honestly, if God is with me, who am I going to worry out that will against me?
But, there is still a problem, I doubt the existence of God sometimes, I mean, he has given me a lot of good things which I prayed to get. When I got into Calvin College, I knew that was God's plan. He didn't want me to loss my newly-established faith. I was just so lucky to get a lot of faithful and honest friends. They are so nice to me. In fact, I prayed for God to send me friends since I was so alone in my high school. And when I broke up with my first boyfriend, I began to pray for God to bring me the right person to me, and he is just so merciful to give me a person who I felt like he is so right for me. Sometimes, I doubt if I was actually in a dream. I am those type of person who will be so easily satisfied. I never complain about God, but I am really afraid of my own mind when I questioned the existence of God. Maybe Devil is trying to drag me toward a wrong way. I don't know, but I'll try me best to resist.
However, I know sometimes, I am very very faithful, that I just feels like if God wants me to die right away , I 'll die with happiness. But, I think I'll keep making my faith stronger. But, if God has given me so much as I prayed for. I should have no reason to deny him. I mean, every single time, he anwsered me, every single time, he responded to me in many different ways. But how can him just reply to you every single time, isn't that amazing?
All right, this journal has been too long. But the more I wrote, the better I feel about myself right now. For me, when I was depressed, I talk or write, after that, I will feel so much better. Right now, I am, sorry, I just feel like I am happy again. :D
Thank you , professors, for just reading this journal, maybe most of my writing in this one won't make any sense, but after I poured out my thoughts, I felt released. Hehe, I think I just like to tell stories so much.
Ok, I am back to normal again. The only thing I'll go right now is to go to sleep. When I get up, tomorrow will be a brand new day again. Don't worry about me, see you tomorrow in the class.
PS: For other readers, I know this journal is kind of ridiculous, but enjoy reading it, this is a person's real thought without any decorations of essay-ish words.